Act 2, Scene 4: The Tasting

DIALOG

Setting: We're inside Costa Moringa's most famous distillery, "Cranky Fermenty & Sons", where a group of rich tourists from New Ido have booked a tasting of the company's finest spirits.

Ludwig: "My esteemed ladies and gentlemen, welcome to "Cranky Fermenty & Sons", the perhaps most famous distillery in Costa Morgina. My name is Ludwig Fermenty, and I welcome you to today's tasting event. I am going to present you with some of the finest pirate spirits the south coast has to offer, the perfect fusion of the modern taste and the tradition of disinfecting battle wounds with high proof ethanol."

The guests applaud

Ludwig pours everyone's glasses while he talks

Ludwig: "We'll start with out first pour - Captain Two fingers Gut-Ripper Number seven. Cheers."

Everybody: "Cheers! *drink*"

Gerald coughs
Claudette gasps
Nathaniel wheezes
Vivian does a classic spit take

Everybody shakes themselves

Gerald: "Wow. Just observe the legs on this one! Viscous and brown. Like maple syrup passed through a hangover."

Claudette: "*sniff* *sniff* *sniff* Mmm ... yes. Hints of scorched walnut, decomposing leather boot, and ... is that ... yes! Just a whisper of despair."

Nathaniel: "Fascinating! Very fascinating! On the nose, I'm catching top notes of antifreeze and disappointment. But on the palate ... ah! Like licking a rusted radiator during a thunderstorm. Almost ... refreshing!"

Vivian: "Oh, it burns ... like heartbreak in a bottle. That finish - it doesn't end, it haunts. Positively spiritual!"

Ludwig: "It is indeed one of our most popular classics, warming many a sailor's cold feet and the hearts of civilized landsmen alike. Let's commence with out second pour - The 'New Idonian Ruckus', 180 Proof."

Ludwig pours everyone's glasses while he talks.

Gerald: "Wish me luck!"

Gerald drinks

Gerald: "Uuuuuh! Ohhhh! Hggggnnnn! GACK! Ah, this one was aged in barrels previously used to store fireworks and hubcaps, I believe."

Claudette: "It was nice knowing you."

Claudette gargles the drink then spits it out. It etches a hole in the ground.

Claudette: "Mmm ... yes! A violent entry. The flavor profile is ... how shall I say ... agricultural. Like two oxen pulling a plough through your mouth!"

Nathaniel: "May Sithrak have mercy on my soul."

Nathaniel carefully sips from his drink, and acts like he just burned his tongue on a hot cup of tea.

Nathaniel: "PPPPpP! Phthththpt. Direct. Raw. Unapologetically abrasive. There's a certain clarity in that, don't you think? I feel as though my esophagus has been cleansed with paint thinner."

Vivian: "I shall drink this, and if it's the last thing I will ever do."

Vivian downs the drink.

Vivian: "Woooooh! Wohoohoooo! Yaaaaaaay! I ... I can see colors! Colors I've never seen before. It's not a drink - it's an awakening. I think I briefly met God. And he was puking his guts out!"

Ludwig: "New Ido has always been known for expanding the bandwidth of ingredients beyond all traditional expectations and the capacity of mammalian taste buds. Which is not surprising, given that New Ido is mostly populated by reptiles. Which brings us to our third and final pour, and the true pride of our house. THE KISSIMANTUCKI. This is the signature Drink of Port Hogas, stemming from a long and questionable tradition of mixing what ever the pirates would trade in, ferment it with rotten milk, and then distill it to remove the worst of the toxins. Obviously, our modern version has been made in a much safer way, but we worked hard to re-create the original experience using our patented Cranky Fermenty reflux method. Behold! The 'Costa Moringa Kissimantucki', Gold Edition. (Limited Release: 2 Bottles, 1 Arrest)"

Vivian: "You go first."

Claudette: "No thanks, you go first."

Nathaniel: "No way, that honor should belong to you!"

Gerald: "You're all cowards!"

Gerald sniffs the glass

Gerald: "*sniffsniffs* Now this ... this is not merely a beverage. This is performance art. The nose is... confrontational."

Gerald drinks

Absurd Roger-Rabbit Like Sound effect (supplied by cheetah)

Gerald: "Holy motherfucker! The clarity! You can practically see through your own soul. The bouquet is ... elusive. Almost not there. Like a tax evader."

Claudette: "Okay, let's do this!"

Claudette sniffs the drink

Claudette: "Oh! I actually quite enjoy this. The bite reminds me of my second husband. Cold. Brutal. And oddly invigorating."

Claudette drinks

Absurd Roger-Rabbit Like Sound effect (supplied by cheetah)

Claudette: "Damn! This slaps! And once the pain wears off, it tastes just like the inside of a rubber tire that's been used as a pillow by a raccoon. I adore it!"

Nathaniel: "Oh, really?"

Nathaniel sniffs his drink

Nathaniel: "It smells ... flammable. Are we insured for this?"

Nathaniel drinks

Absurd Roger-Rabbit Like Sound effect (supplied by cheetah)

Nathaniel: "OOPH! Holy moly! This isn't liquor. This is weaponized neutrality. On the tongue - icy, clinical, with notes of aluminum and generational trauma."

Vivian: "Intriguing."

Vivian sniffs her drink

Vivian: "I feel like I'm being judged by the liquid. It's like it knows what I did last night."

Vivian drinks

Absurd Roger-Rabbit Like Sound effect (supplied by cheetah)

Vivian: "HAGARBLBML! What the actual fuck! *blblblbl* This isn't a drink - it's a reckoning. It just made me re-live every poor decision I've ever made in my life in just one shot. Glorious. Brilliant. I want this. I want all of this."

Nathaniel: "Me too!"

Claudette: "Me three!"

Gerald: "Shut up and take my money!"